i haven’t been feeling great for the past couple days. it was supposed to be a fun week, but it turned out to be downright desastrous. i am slightly dissapointed but at the same time there’s not much i could day about it. i have been very unstable for the past few months now, so it was to be expected. of course the timing wasn’t going to be right. of course it wasn’t. it never is…
either way, i’m tired. i was at a lan party for the past 4 days and it was fun and all, but since i’m not your average dude going there to play games and whatnot, i decided to take out my launchpad and make some music. unfortunately, i didn’t make anything. inspiration was just… not there. i tried, i tried, but it failed. during the whole process, i was sitting and trying to find inspiration in my older projects. one thing i did notice is people would stop behind me and all. this is not unusual, and in fact happened to me at previous lan parties, and it wouldn’t bother me that much. this time though, i got very uncomfortable. i could hear them talk in my back without actually knowing what they were talking about. it’s one of those things… it makes me feel quite terrible.
i get paranoid over these things VERY easily. if i hear a group of people near me laughing behind my bad, and i don’t know what the reason is, i start feeling horrible. i feel like they’re laughing about me. making fun of me. it usually isn’t the case, in fact, it almost never is… but i can’t help and feel like that. i always think if someone is behind me and has a laugh, it must be because of me. that is probably the worst thing i’ve felt in a while now… i was a bit lost and started feeling slightly lonely too… i dont know, i felt like…. bad. and of course, i overheard what they were saying, and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. they were just talking about past events in their previous games.
that made me think. what’s the reason behind this? why do i feel like this? and so i started digging through my past. previous events. i had to go all the way back to school… mannnn, not school. anything but school. i HATE school. i hate it so much…..
as a kid, i was always very awkward and all. i wasn’t always like this, but society (or at least what i had of it, in this case school) made me like this. as a kid… i didn’t think people would laugh at me in my back. to me, it wasn’t even possible. the thought never crossed my mind. one day, i overheard a couple laughs at the tablet right behind me, so i turned around to ask what was going on, cause yeah, i was curious and i wanted to laugh with them too, i wanted to be part of it! well, i was… just not the way i imagined. they said it was “nothing” and that “it didn’t cocern me” and that i shouldn’t be “sneaking into other people’s business”. i insisted of course, but didn’t get an answer. i forgot about it. another day, i was sitting in front of that same group of people. i was still slightly annoyed at the way they had pushed me back that time, so i took a different approach. i focused on what they were saying, and… it hurt. they were all laughing again. this time, it was all about me. i don’t remember exactly why, but i took it as a stab to the heart. it was deep and painful. i’ve had that feeling all too many times, i can’t possible forget about it. for me, laughing was something normal and natural, it was common to laugh. i mean, you can laugh about a lot of things, right? but up until that moment, i never realized people could be so mean as to laugh about other people without much of a reason. i mean, if someone falls over, sure, it’s funny, and i’d laugh. but if people start putting out gossip about you (that is of course not true) and start all laughing about it, that’s when problems come in. i didn’t think that sort of thing was possible… oh boy was i wrong. TERRIBLY WRONG. after that very day, i started to listen as to why people were laughing. 9 out of 10 times, it was me. something about me. at least, every time i managed to overhear something. my faith in humanity was trimmed down with ever word. i got very frustrated. i got to that point where, i just couldnt trust them with anything anymore. why are they spreading LIES about me?! and why me?? what did i do???
nowadays, i still have trouble with this. i am paranoid about it. i keep feeling horrible every time i hear laughs. is it about me? i don’t know… and that bothers me. a lot. why? because of those kids. and it’s not me thinking that. it’s my body’s reaction… I KNOW THEY’RE NOT LAUGHING ABOUT ME… but…… my body just freezes completely for a split second, i have chills in my spine, i feel like im going to explode… i know it’s probably got nothing to do with me, and even if it does, who cares? i don’t even care about that anymore. i dont give a single fuck about what others think about me right now. it’s not like it MATTERS. yet…. my natural reactions remain unchanged. i can’t control them. because it’s basically what i’ve seen in school over and over, and nobody giving a crap about it, nothing.
i was afraid to go to the store with my parents for a long time, because i wouldnt have known what to do if i had met a kid from school there. that’s why i always hated going out so much. i’ve been agraid of everything outside my house because of these very problems. i’m actually very lucky to have been able to overcome a lot of these things. i don’t know how the hell i did it but i did. at least now im not paralyzed at home thinking about what could happen if i went out. at least now im not afraid of going out to places simply because i might find myself head to head with someone i know. i’m not SUPPOSED to be afraid of people i know, right? i’m asking, because i was afraid of pretty much everyone i knew, and even more of everyone i didn’t… when it comes to the point where you just dont want to go to school anymore, and not because of the typical “i dont like working” excuse but because you are geniunely AFRAID of the things that can and will happen to you once you’re there… when it gets to that point when your mother tries to drag you out of bed to do it, and you get hold of your bed as hard as you can, shouting and screaming insanely loudly and crying and feeling helpless and without being able to explain why because you dont know how to explain any of it…. i think its worrying. it might sound stupid, but to me, saying hello to a complete stranger is already a big accomplishment. when it gets to the point where you are too afraid to even ASK FOR THE FREAKING TIME… or directions…. if you are lost… a couple of years back, i wouldnt have been able to. even now, it’s difficult… and why?
because of those kids that made fun of me. because of those kids, that would constantly pick on me, make sure to make me feel mental pain every single day of my life… because of that girl, 3 years ago, that got some info through her mother about me, which in turn had gotten it from MY MOTHER, and used it all against me to humiliate me in public… i had done NOTHING to that girl. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HER. my mother used to talk with other kids’ mothers (they all do). this time, it went to that girl’s mom, and she must have let it out randomly at some point. kids overhear stuff, and she just used that knowledge against me. she got to know about me at home. i am a “difficult kid”. i often made my mother cry. of course, she didn’t know the whole story as to why i was being “difficult” in the first place. but who cares. she used it, and ruined the year. i got mad at my mother and didn’t talk to her much for a while. i was convinced of some kind of conspiracy against me… but yeah, it wasn’t her fault. at some point, i burst into tears a few months later at my mom. during that whole time in between, i was super stressed out and was constantly being horrible with her, shouting at every occasion i had. because i thought it was because of her, but nope, it wasn’t. she has the right to talk about her life to her friends right? but her friend let it out in front of their kid. which happened to be my classmate. and that classmate wanted to seemingly see me suffer. chain reactions like that. always happening. the little trust i had in people from there on went from near zero to absolute zero. ive been used to this sort of thing happening to me at school though. i never spoke because of this. i was closed to everyone. and everyone was more and more reluctant every single time. snake trying to eat it’s tail…
the worst part, what annoyed me the most about all of this… is when other kids came to me, and, after doing all they were doing…. they sit down by my side and instead of just trying to make friends, they ask me “so why are you so antisocial and closed to everyone? why do you have so little friends? why are you so unpleasant around others?” why don’t you do this? why don’t you do that? i cant describe just HOW MANY TIMES i got these questions, and often, the from very kids that were causing it. i just wanted to burst out and go “FUCK OFF ALREADY LEAVE ME ALONE” but… i didn’t say anything. i did once… “whatever, it’s not like you’re going to make any friends with that kind of antisocial attitude. fucking freak, we try to be nice to you and all but all you do is reject us and treat us like crap”… this is an ACTUAL QUOTE.
they were tormenting me. always. and i switched schools and a lot. and every school i went to, i thought it’d stop, but every time, same deal. problems seemed to get dragged along behind me. when it comes to the point…. where kids torment you, that same kid, over and over, just to see how much you can take before bursting, and when you do, they make sure to laugh right at your face and you as mad as they possibly can…
i did the mistake of going to my teacher once. i guess i must have been unlucky. she obviously didn’t know how to deal with my kind, because next period she went “CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE. [NAME] JUST TOLD ME YOU GUYS WERENT BEING NICE TO HIM. WHY IS [NAME] ALWAYS SITTING ALONE? WHY DOESNT HE SIT WITH YOU GUYS?”… why would you do that?! and kids would take up that opportunity and reply “WE DONT KNOW, WE TRY BEING NICE AROUND HIM AND MAKING FRIENDS WITH HIM BUT EVERY TIME HE GETS MAD AT US FOR NO REASON AND REJECTS US ITS NOT OUR FAULT” and of course, the ball bounced back to me “IS THAT TRUE? WHY XANT YOU JUST BE NICE TO OTHERS [NAME]? IM TALKING TO YOU PARENTS” fucking hell just shut the fuck up already….
they were the ones being jerks to me. constantly picking on me. making sure i was the center of everyone’s attention. itd torment me to a point where id burst and other kids would suddenly all go “HEY DONT GET MAD AT US WE DIDNT DO ANYTHING BAD TO YOU WE WERE JUST JOKING”… YEAH RIGHT FUCKERS JUST JOKING EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY DONT YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO THEN MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT— yeah. not that i ever replied that. i hate them. i hate them so, so much. i tried remaining calm. but i couldnt. how could i possibly remain calm with all those people doing that?! no, i HAD to do something about me. going to teachers clearly wasnt helping so i tried a more… direct approach. i often bit others, threw desks and chairs at them, used my weight to suffocate them, whatever i could think of to make them deeply suffer. and yeah, it sounds weird and twisted, but that’s the only thing i wanted at the time, i wanted them to feel the pain i had been going through… AND THAT. is the kind of stuff that got me into a lot of a mess. restless meetings with my parents. it was almost every week. EVERY WEEK. couldnt someone just come out and notice “hey guys it looks like this kid has been having problems anyone care to help him out?” but nope appearently i was being the issue.
i was in that kind of environment. hostile. unforgiving. i was sent to psychologists countless times because of this. at that point, i just wanted everyone to die. i didnt want to be part of a world where everyone is against you. i didnt want to do anything else. just… let them all die in horror and suffer from the worst tortures i could possibly imagine. DIE.
when it gets to that point, where nobody wants to be your friend because they heard someone say nasty stuff about you and dont want anything to do with you… on top of the fake rumors and gossip that was being spread around, i had to deal with my reactions now too. everything i did was closely monitored by everyone. and i was trapped. did i really deserve any of this? what did i do? TELL ME. WHAT DID I DO?! AND WHAT DO YOU GET FROM DOING ANY OF THIS? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? WHY ME?? ARE YOU LIKE THOSE PEOPLE THAT LIKE SEEING PEOPLE SUFFER?? WHY???
i have no idea why im thinking about this right now. i dont usually think about my past… i dont even think about school all that much anymore. i dont like thinking about school. why am i thinking about school? do i know…
i think im just lacking sleep… ill go and find something else to keep my mind busy… music, maybe….